Friday, May 11, 2012

Disappointment to Re-motivation


This is not what I was hoping to type today.

That house, the mini homestead, isn't going to work out. Even though we know we can afford it, the landlord isn't convinced, and we really can't blame him. We look awful on paper, and it isn't unusual for us to wonder how we are making it ourselves.

Anyhow, we won't be moving this year. I allowed myself to be thoroughly depressed for two days. I'd really set my heart on moving. I'd really swallowed my friend's assurances that her landlord would totally go for this idea. I'd spent a lot of time thinking about how we were going to set up the new house, what we were going to do with the land, getting excited about getting rid of so much of our stuff... I should stop typing this now because I might get all depressed again. I don't have time for that.

So here we are. In this epitome of wasted space and inefficient energy use, with 15 year old smelly torn up carpeting, broken window screens/doors/garbage disposal/garage door, and ugly unwashable wall colors. Filled to the brim with junk we've collected, thinking "this" would be the item which would finally turn this "temporary shelter" into a "home." Yep. I'm depressed again. Give me a few minutes to regain my motivation. Again. Re-re-gain?

A big part of the reason I wanted to move was so I didn't have to face this place again. I could start from scratch. That's not going to happen, so what is going to happen, is I'm tackling this place. We've been here 5 years and I've only sporadically tried to make it "home" because I kept thinking we were going to move. I still think we will move soon, but I'm not going to live like this anymore. Getting this place nice is going to be a huge job. Huge. And some things I simply won't be able to do (ie: carpets). But I'm going to start treating this place like people I love live here. 'Cause they do, and I've been cheating them of my best homemaking by putting it all into my dreams and pinterest boards. My son was 7 years old when we moved here, and now he's 12. That's a HUGE chunk of the time he will be spending with us, and what have I been teaching him and his siblings? That they don't deserve a home unless it's MY dream home.


Enough. The garage door will get fixed. Walls will get washed/painted. Stuff will be tossed, lots and lots of stuff. Pictures will be hung, cobwebs swept, and I'm going to look into painting my own drop cloths and using them to cover up the carpets. Also...I'm thinking rabbits. We can't have chickens here, but meat rabbit hutches should be do-able in the back yard. Container gardening, since digging up the yard doesn't work so well here. Little bits at a time, no biting off more than I can chew. I can't, shouldn't, won't spend a lot of money on this place, but a little here and there will be worth while. Maybe someday I can actually have friends over again.

Meanwhile, I will also be saving up for our bit of land, someday.

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