Friday, July 17, 2015

Firstborn and Sir Dex were born on their due dates

If Angel had been, yesterday would have been her one year birthday.

I dreaded it's approach. I assumed it would be another day of crying and sludging through gelatin, getting nearly nothing done. It wasn't like that.

I didn't forget, not exactly. It was the first thing that occurred to me when I woke up. I remembered every time I looked at the calendar, though I hadn't marked it there. I thought about her when I saw a youtube video of a little girl possibly about the same age she would have been. I mourned every time I saw her little struggling brave apple tree in the yard. And sometimes I choked up for no reason at all.

Each of these times was like a sharp stab in the gut. Because in between...I kinda forgot. I was enjoying my newly recovered health. Celebrating the loss of 41 pounds since Sir Dex's birth. Enjoying my living children. Laughing at my ridiculous ducks. I also got a whole lot of school planning done, which is good, because we are due to start August 1st. (Yes, a Saturday. We're weird. Get used to it.)

I feel a little guilty for not mourning more, but then again I don't. I think of her and pray for her every single day. A full week doesn't ever go by without me missing her so terribly I tear up. I was absolutely useless on her birthday this year, so I guess being okay yesterday is....okay.

Yesterday was also the 1 year announcement of my pregnancy with Sir Dex here, who is doing his level best to shove both of his hands in his mouth at the same time while grinning for all he is worth.

I have a lot of conflicting emotions about all this. I'm feeling the tug to become introspective and melancholy all day.

I'm not going to, though. I've been through those emotions before and sifting them out again isn't going to do me any good right now. It's early morning and I have life to do, so I'm going to box them up (their box, in my head, is a dark opalescent rectangle with a pink ribbon, no bow) and push the box into the back of my head. I might need them later, and I guess that's okay, too.


  1. I had another comment typed out, Google ate it for a late morning snack.

    (((((((Hugs))))))) lifting your heavy heart in prayer.

    Thank you, also, for putting into words my heart about my own loss...I feel guilty for not mourning more, but I don't....I think some people find that weird, but grief is so different for each person.

    Last, we school 6-7 days a week, and we don't take much vacation time. It's better for our family to keep our routine going. It also provides time for us to take an unscheduled day off if we have play dates, doctor appointments, etc.

    Looking forward to seeing you soon, DL has told me that you are just wonderful! :)

  2. Someone told me not long after my son died "Be gentle with yourself. You don't have to grieve on anyone else's timetable. Some days you'll feel happy, and then feel guilty like you're forgetting too fast. Some days you'll feel the grief intensely, and be tempted to compare yourself to your perception of how someone else is doing. You don't know how they're doing inside, you only see how they present themselves in public, their heart is just as broken as yours. Don't become your own bully."

    This has been incredibly helpful to me. Even ten years later I still have days where I grieve. The day he would have started camp for the first time if he were here. His birthday. And there are days where I feel fine, I enjoy watching my chickens' crazy antics, I snuggle my two rainbow babies (who are 9 and 4 now, so not exactly "babies" anymore), I joke and laugh with my teenagers.

    Having a sad day doesn't mean I've failed to progress in my grief, it means I'm a parent who has buried a child, and who will never just "get over" that. Having a happy day doesn't mean I've moved on and forgotten my boy. It just means I'm having a good day, living life, and seeking to grow in grace and faith.

  3. You were never really here
    But you've never really left
    But still I've missed you just the same
    You had never said a word
    Many words were said for you
    The only one left is your name

    You are always on my mind
    Even when it's not on you
    Saw you under the apple tree
    I wish I was missing you
    I wish I did not have to
    I'd rather have you here with me

    You left me with empty arms
    But they are full again now
    He wouldn't have been in this space
    I would never give him up
    Like I will not give you up
    No one can take a lost love's place